Just for Kicks-Disorder in American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Disclaimer: Please read at your own risk. :))...:))

****ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

***ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot

***ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan

***ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

***ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one

**ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: You're kidding me, right

***ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a differentattorney. Can I get a new attorney?

**ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it

***ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess

**ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work

**ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on deadpeople?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like torephrase that question

**ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question

**ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral

**ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing anautopsy on him

**ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, hedoesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam

And the best for last: ---****ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for apulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beganthe autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, he could have been alive and practicing law.*

Nana- "Carrom Board"

The train reached the platform no. 8, everyone whom Papa had gone to receive came alongwith him in the brand new car. They all drove from the station to home.The car reached home,everyone got down and Mumma greeted everyone and showed them their rooms.When Mumma showed Nana his room,he spoke to Mumma.

Nana- "Where are the children?"

Mumma- " They must be playing, yeh these days they are just learning some games"

Nana-" Hmmm... u must be teaching them"

Mumma ( changing the sofa & bed sheets)-" Not much time, so they learn usually by themselves, ready for lunch"

Nana- "Gimme a few minutes"

Mumma went to make the dinning table for Lunch. Nana went to the lawn, he saw Lil Bulie Boy smiling ( with his new found teeth showing). Nana dint see her, he went outside, searched around and went straight to the new by cars.Not so much surprised, after looking under the 4 th car he saw Mishti lying under the 5th car.

Nana-"Shoo, dirty girl why ar u hiding here"

Mishti (innocently)- " Oh Nana, when did u come?"

Nana- " Liar, I knew u saw us and immediately ran away to hide, Bad"

Mishti- " U come and I can't play and I am now 8 years 3 months old and i need to play".

Nana- " Come out, I have surprises for you"

Mishti came out, brushing her blue frock. Nana & Mishti went home. After lunch Mishti forced Nana to show her the surprises. Nana took both Mishti & Lil Bulie Boy to his room.

Mishti- "Nana only me not for Lil Bulie Boy"

Nana- " No not good, he will also get surprises"

Mishti ( angry & teasing)- " No not for this Lil Mule Mop"

Lil Bulie Boy- " I am not Mule Mop okay... U stupid... U are Misho ( meaning Liar)"

At this both started fighting, Nana somehow stopped them and gave each a present, Mishti one pink bowed frock & Lil Bulie Boy a superman dress. Then there was a third present, for which theyboth fought, again. To their surprise it was a common present- A Carrom Board.

Lil Bulie Boy- "Nana, we have been trying to learn Carrom for last one month, we play with Pally the boy with the carrom board"

Mishti- " Wow, now we have our own Carrom Board, Oh No, but this is a very old one ".

Nana- "" Yes, but it is yours now"

Nana smiled and all three of them went where everyone was having lunch.
Within a few days, Nana taught both Mishti & Lil Bulie Boy - The Carrom game. On winning the their respective games with the other children in the block, both Mishti & Lil Bulie Boy came jumping back home

Mishti- "Nana Nana... I won 5 games"

Lil Bulie Boy- " Nana Nana...I won 1 game".

Nana-" Hi Fi, Good Job"

Lil Bulie Boy-" Nana I could have won more if I had a new Carrom Board, this is blinding"

Nanajust smiled and went back to read an Urdu Book on his relaxing chairMishti & Lil Bulie Boy went to their room but they cudnt find their "OWn Carrom Board"

Mishti- "Nana Nana, the "Old Carrom Board is missing", its not there"

Lil Bulie Boy (crying)-" Mishti, Nana, No carrom board"

Nana (surprised)- " Oh is it"

Lil Bulie Boy still crying & Mishti on the verge of crying. Suddenly a voice came from behind.

Mumma- " Hey turn around"

Both of them turned around and saw Mumma holding a new Carrom Board with a note. Both jumped with joy saying Yipee Yippee.Then they turned and saw a note stuck on it which read -

Mishti & Lil Bulie Boy Congratualtions, there is nothing more I want than you both to be always jumping with joy.You both will grow up to be very good human beings, of which I am sure. Always work hard & you will get what you deserve.Never hurt anyone, always love the person who loves you, very few people genuinely love you of which I am one.Love Nana

Both hugged and kissed Nana, saying - " We love you Nana and you are the best"

Mishti- " Even when I grow old, and you are old too, I will still love you, you will miss me right"

Nana (smiling with tears)-" Yes I will always care & love you, even long after I have died"

There was little that both Mishti & Lil Bulie Boy understood then ( something which they would understand later).

Nana- " Butterscotch Ice-cream"

Butterscotch Ice-Cream

She "(shouted from the Main Gate) -"Nana Nana Nana... I am back home... Nana Nana" saying this she became Silent.

Nana-" Come to the Dinning Hall, your favourite dishes for lunch is here"

Again there was silence, Nana got a little worried.

Nana (called out again)--" Yohoo....Butterscotch Icecream after lunch, quickly quickly I am counting 1-2-3-4-5".

Again there was silence, Nana was now even more worried. Hurriedly Nana started searching the house,the terrace, the lawn but still couldnt find her. Quickly he traced his steps to the window on the left wall in Main Hall from the Entrance.

Then he turned towards to the lawn to open the window from outside & he was shocked again for the nth time.... Mishti was sitting all folded between the wide grills of the window & happily eating ButterScotch Icecream.

Mishti jumped and went straight to Nani. Nana closed the window & angrily went to Nani's room to scold Mishti. Seeing Nana Mishti started crying loudly.

Mishti- " Nana Nana I am hurt.. my legs are scratched from that window grill see, its hurting now".

Nana quickly got a dettol bottle & cotton to clean Mishti's wounds. Mishti started crying again. Nana -" You are a small girl and when small girls get hurt they cry loudly".

Hearing this Mishti got angry and went to her room & shut the door. Nana went inside the room & saw Mishti lying on her bed with green & pink flowers and crying. He knew why she was crying .

Nana (saying teasingly)- " My Small girl.. little baby"

Mishti - " You are bad Nana, you make me cry, I will never talk to you"

Nana( sweetly)- " Okay don't talk, but this Butterscotch ice-cream in the bowl is waiting for you"

Mishti - " No, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I dont want your Ice cream, please leave my room"
Nana got up & went to watch TV in his room. After an hour Mishti was feeling hungry as it was 3 pm she went tothe Kitchen and saw all kinds of tasty items cooked for lunch, only eaten by Nani.

Mishti thought- "Nani eats at 1pm, Nana eats with me at 2 pm, but looks like no one has eaten today, why what is the matter".

She went back to her room without eating anything, she thought of her fight with Nana & how bad Nana has become & frowned.She suddenly recalled something & rushed to Nana's room at 3:35pm.

Mishti- " Nana why dint you & Nani have your tasty lunch"

Nana (angrily)- " I dont want to eat that tasty lunch any more"

Nana was fixated to the TV. Mishti went back & came back to Nana's room at 4:15 pm with a tray of few tasty lunchfood in it.

Mishti(crying)- "Nana sorry I-the big girl missed saying this-- Happy Birthday Nana & I dont hate you".

She took a spoonful of rice & curry & then Nana's favourite ButterScotch Ice-cream & gave it to him for she knew he had not eaten since morning for he wished only to celebrate his 60th Birthday with Mishti (whom he dearly loved) at lunch & hear the words again "Happy Birthday"(which no one had remembered or said to him in the last 30 years ).

Starry Starry Night says Chiki Miki

Starry Starry Night;
Potraits Hung in empty halls;
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world and can't forget;
Like the strangers that you've met
The ragged men in ragged clothes;
The silver thorn, a bloody rose;
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Now I think I know;What you tried to say, to me;
And how you suffered for your sanity;And how you tried to set them free:They would not listen; they're not listening still
--Perhaps they never will..........
I rewinded my favorite song again. Suddenly there was knock at my door. I saw Chiki-Miki standing on the door. Chiki-Miki was staring at the pink and grey checkered floor, he walked into my room and like always kept standing, I had to force him to sit.Today he sat comfortably on the bed as opposed to the ancient chair in the room near the window.Suddenly he started talking as opposed to nodding his head.
Chiki Miki said-- "You were listening to Starry Starry nights by Don Mclean. Can I hear it too?" I gave him my old sony walkman of school.
After listening Chiki Miki said-- "You know this song Don Mclean wrote in 1971 for Vincent,Vincent van Gogh-- the famous painter, a dutch/ finnish, I suppose. He had a deep admiration for Vincent as a man too.He makes reference to his famous paintings of luminous orange, yellow flowers, self potraits, landscapes etc. in the song. But you know he was in Saint Remy still he painted with his mind"
I knew Chiki Miki was a very good painter since he was a child of 3, he had painted, sketched, crafted many drawings, won competitions tillhe was hospitalised when he was 16years 2 months old.

Chiki Miki said-- " I am 20 and I am remebering things, i can differentiate, i can hold the spoon and eat by myself, I can read and u know I can hold the brush too, the pen too. Do you want to see how i hold the brush."
I rushed and gave a Round size 6 paint brush, paints & sheet even when i knew his favorite is the rigged size 5 brush.He was earlier very particular paint brushes, colors, sheets, canvses, glasses, stones, pots etc....He painted a beautiful deer.

Chiki Miki said--" You know last one month i have been trying to tell you, I can now hold the brush but I cud never speak.You know of my illness, I sometimes even now keep hearing strange voices in my head, motionless, can't gather my thoughts and words,Like many others I keep staring without blinking like I am fixated in a rigid pose for hours like Catatonia. You are suprised how I know it.. I am ill , of what I dont know . At 20 i am better I remember my colors and brushes.You understand me , right even when i am quiet. "
I was quiet and smiled saying Yes. He kept sitting comfortably on the bed for about 16 minutes staring again, this time at the painting.After this he got up to go, I stopped him and pulled out a new pack of paints, brushes & canvas.
Chiki Miki Said-" I cudnt hold the brush then, when Papa got these for me 4 years back and I threw them away, so these paints got angry with me.They dont know how much I love them. Can I take them back in my life."
He began to cry, I was happy--he finally wanted his colors again.Chiki Miki took the things, going back to his room. He turned around and said--- " Thanks Nasty, you are the best sister. I will go with you to the resturant & eat food properly, next time." He left.
I smiled and switched on the walkman--- Don Mclean's lyrics ---

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer's day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul...
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chillsIn colors on the snowy linen land.

Now I understand, What you tried to say, to me
And how you suffered for your sanity, And how you tried to set them free:
They would not listen; they did not know how
--Perhaps they'll listen now ----

Ps- The picture is the painting by Van Gogh--Starry Nights

Weeping Red Cherries

Kare-- " This jade studded barette is very pretty, very nice when it was clipped on the left side.

Mato-- " Yes very pretty, hey look books and songs in the shelf"." Neat arent they".

Kare--" Hmmm...I never knew in the shelfs there were books, she never mentioned".

Mato-- " I wish i could've read them, like it was wanted". Pause,"Hey look there is a packet here."

Kare-- " Neat aint it, addressed to whom Mato."

Mato-- " It says " For Mr. Kare Tomo, Please open it when you receive it, here take it, open it now as it says".

Kare (opening the packet)-- " It has a few books, cassette, a pink fan and painting of red cherries, These are for me all my favourite unread books like i once mentioned."

Mato-- " Lets hear the cassette" .

Kare inserted the cassette in the tape recorder. It played read with some songs of John denver, Extreme, Metallica, Dido, alanis, Jewel sung in between by Shamisoi. After the cassette is re-run and heard some 3 times, Mato gets up to switch it off.

Mato-- " You know who sung these songs and why?"

Kare staring towards to the tape recorder.

Mato-- " Here a sweater and mittens knitted for you, I was told to give you when you come,hope it fits.This fan has two eyes painted, wonder how one could paint !!! On the other side it says "

I look in these eyes thinking they are yours

And I see my reflection in these eyes,

Only if you knew how much you mean to me,

I always keep finding you in my heart."

Kare still staring with a prolonged silence between them.

Mato-- " You liked eating red cherries dint you when since you first met. "
Kare looking at Mato.

Mato-- " I knew it all this while".

Kare--" She loved me, she always wanted me to stop her from leaving,apologise to her for hurting her, for stealing her from her own heart. I never saw inside her, I was so insensitive, never listened to her. All this while she loved me, she truly loved me --like she said no one can love you more than i do. Even when I knew she loved & cared for me I never accepted her, worst all this while I felt the same for her.I betrayed my own heart,I was always stuck in my past & my selfishness, I hurted her so much .Mato my budd --I love Shamisoi very much, with all my heart, I will always keep her happy for the rest of my life."

Kare lifting his bag--" Come lets go and meet her I will tell her I love her songs, her fans, the sweater and red cherries , everything."

Mato stopped turned his face around towards the willowy weeping window.

Kare (agitated )-- " Come Budd lets go, she is waiting for me".

Mato-- " You can never tell Shamisoi how much you love her, she is now waiting only in your heart, I will too never see her again, no one will see her ever again".

With this Mato left Kare in Shamisoi's room to unburden his heart with tears and sorrow.

Emptiness

Emptiness, that bridge to far, I've tried so many times to cross that bar,

I've tried my best

Even bought a friend, but that proved fruitless in the end!

Time and age are against I am told!

Relentless each and every day, they all pass by and go on their way,

A knowing smile a friendly wave, would these same people surround my grave?

No time to chat, no inclination I've lived my life still on probation,

I know we all must die alone, why pay the bill to a silent phone,

The television my link with life, I sleep all alone

What will dawn bring, will I hear the bellbird deep inside the bush

Or feed the common garden ,

Maybe the sun will come out today,

Showing blue skies instead of grey there's hope,

There's life, I need to feel, the love of life so I can heal .

PS-I read this somewhere, not sure when & where exactly.

My- Nu Shu

My-Nu Shu --Titli

Titli (Butterfly)woke up early at 5:30 am, thinking about the lost time she had to make up for the presentation scheduled post-lunch. She hurriedly started working and was all set to go for work by 9 am.
Post- lunch the presentation went well, she was applauded for the first time by her new boss.
Titli thought "Oh a wonderful day, i also got my first appreciation letter".
She went back to her desk to meet her colleagues, but there was stink of jealousy & ignorance from everyone even from her so called "budd-friends".
Titli thought " Why are my friends ignoring me instead of sharing my happiness, no one is now even talking to me"
She went back to her desk to call her parents, but then again there was stink of ignorance & irrelevance.
Titli thought " why are my parents always unhappy with me no matter what I achieve".
She was very disappointed, there was no-body she could talk & understand her.
Titli thought " I am not going to cry today, not at all it is my day and I have earned it, neither will I talk to myself in the mirror"
She boarded the work bus back for her apartment, she had tears in her eyes but was holding back as she had promised to herself to be happy. Walking back to her apartment she saw the old woman who has been begging for months near the lane. The old-woman was abandoned and no-one knew wher she came from.
Like everyday Titli dropped the one rupee coin in the old-woman's bowl and for the first time the old-woman spoke and said--" Khush raho ( Always be happy)".
Titli walked away still with the tears sitting on the edge in her eyes, suddenly she re-called that everyone says the old-woman is deaf and dumb.
She quickly paced back to the old-woman, squatted on the lane and looked at the old-woman in the face and held her hand.
Titli said " Amma, tum bol sakti ho, sun sakti ho" ( Amma, u can talk and hear).
Old-Woman just nodded her head.
Titli said " Amma, fir tum bolti kyon nahi ho, sab ko lagta hai ki tum behari aur goongi ho" ( amma, then why dont you talk, everyone thinks your are deaf and dumb)
Old-woman again just nodded her head.
Titli still with tears on the edge making sure they donot fall said " Amma fir aaj kyon boli tum" (Amma, why did u talk today)
Old woman said " Beti kyonki aaj tumne paach rupiya ka sikha diya and poori do rotiyan bhi, par fir bhi tum roz ki tarah mujhe--- apna "ello" nahi kaha, tum bhi mujhe bhul gayi"( Beti, becos today you gave me 5 rupees and two rotis, but u didnot greet me, I thought you also forgot me).
Titli with tears flowing on her cheeks said- " Amma, I am lonely, no one needs me, my parents,friends, my boyfriend everyone ignores me no-one cares for me, they have there own worlds and I fit in no-where in theirs, they dont even have time or interest in living with me,
no one to share even my happiness, let aside my sorrows. I am very lonely and empty and worst no one sees it. '
Tilti was endlessly crying on the lane in front of the old-woman with a bowl. Suddenly she realised after a few mintues where she was sitting, and lifted her head
facing the Old-woman who was in tears saying " Beti, sab theek ho jayega, sab yahin is sansar mein hai ( everything will be okk, everything is here in this world .
Titli walked back to her apartment and first time in days together slept off without talking to herself and reading about Nu Shu.
In the next apartment, a little girl of 9 years who heard and saw the incident thought " Why are people unhappy, why do people stop valuing the person they love the most, why do we stop loving and giving as we grow old". " Here who was worse- the smart Titli Aunti or Quiet old- Amma".
She again got back to reading about Nu Shu in her bed.